Lost and found.

You know the saying, you don't really realise the value of something until you've completely lost it.

It is true alright.


I have always been the kind of person that does not sulk too much over losing things/people. One of my very close friend once told me that he is not sure how he feels about who I am.  He is confused whether he should be really happy about the fact that nothing bothers me so much, or just really worried about the fact that nothing bothers me so much. It bothers him that I can laugh and talk endlessly to people like nothing's wrong right after a big fight.

I think he will be very happy when he reads this post. If, he reads this post at all.

I have this sinking feeling in my heart like I have lost something. I can't really put a finger on it, but I know it's there. I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I actually feel something so strongly, and sad because it takes for me to lose something to have a feeling this strong in the first place.

I have a blank expression and a smile on my face, simultaneously. I feel strong, I feel suddenly weak. I laugh, I don't want to laugh anymore. I talk, I want to be left alone. I want a distraction, I want to be consumed by the thought.

I feel.. confused. And I'd like to believe that is good.

I am finally open to the possibility that there are things/people that matter to me. I may not care about it so much, because my intrinsic self is fighting it so strongly, but at the same time, I know I feel the loss. I feel the pain of losing. And more than anything, I am allowing myself to sulk over it without going "Man, this is bloody stupid!" in my head.

I think I am finally entering a new stage in my life. I am having an evolution, for the lack of a better word.
That being said, I am obviously going to laugh out loud and talk endlessly like nothing's wrong. I am just having an evolution, it's not like someone blew a new soul into me.
:)

I lost. I found.