Quotable quotes from my life:

Ismail - Dude, I am hungry, kuch khane ko lana.
Me (A) - Ek spoon le and eat your ass.
Ismail - You know, I will make the best sandwich In the World and name it after you. I’ll call it, ’The Bitch-Burger’

(Varun went out of scene for a very long time, no calls, no messages, nothing)
A- Yaar, tune desh chod diya bataya nahi.
Varun- Haan yaar, kya batun, is desh mein rakha kya hai mere liye. Kaun hai mera yahaan??
A- Paka mat chal.
Varun- Chalu kisne kiya. :/

Kushi - Nobody cares about me, nobody loves me, I am crying, nobody sees my tears.
A- :/
Kushi - See, you are giving me a face, even you don’t care about me
A- :/
Kushi- I have nothing left in the world to do, sob sob sob.. I wrote sob thrice.. And Still nobody cares
A- :/
Kushi- Dude, I am really bored.
A- I figured.

Alkash (to me)- Aur gabbar, kaisa chal raha hai tera samrajya??

Eshank - Dude, any guy who has a crush on you should talk to you for five minutes and he wont ask you out.
A - Haw, That bad?
Eshank - No, it's just that you will have such a big "F*CK OFF!!" written all over your face, he wouldn't have the guts to.

A- Dude, you are my buddy, you know that right?
Neha- Huh? What happened to you?! Bol kis Ch***** ki chita jalane ka time aaya hai!
A - What!? *rofl*

A- She asked him to suggest her a gift for Valentines. I asked her to get a one tetra byte HDD and a graphic card. What do you think?
Pavan- You know Avan, it’s not that you are Romantically challenged, you are romantically Paralyzed. :\

A- Please, I am more subtle than I have ever been these days.
Sunny - Subtle and you? Please, that's like an elephant trying to look dainty by wearing a tutu.
A- Wait, what! *rofl*

Ismail - Did you finish that file for me?
A - I have Alzheimer, I don’t remember who you are and what you wanted.

A- Dude. :/
Neha- I know. :/

A- Lame joke tha who. Rona aa raha hai mujhe.
Varun - Achcha! Mera goo, goo aur tera goo gulkand!
A- Wait, what!
*rofl*

A - Paka mat chal.
Sooraj - Arrey nahi nahi, milunga main tujhe, haath mein Gulab ka phool liye, kamar lachkate, sharmate, hahahahaha, ULTI ki hogi na tune abhi abhi.

Ismail - Whoaa! Did you get a plastic surgery?
A- I am assuming by that you mean I am looking good today.
Ismail - No I am just asking, did you get a plastic surgery?
A- I am not all that ugly on a usual day you know!
Ismail - I am just asking, did you get a plastic surgery?
A - Well, what can I say, thanks, I guess.
Ismail - No, did you get a plastic surgery?
A- God NO! Stop fucking my brain!
Ismail - Too bad. You should. *XD*
A- :/

A- The weather is so damn awesome today! It’s drizzling, and cold! And it must be breezing like hell at Marine line, so OBVIUOSLY I won’t get a break from work and will be inside the whole day!!!
Neha - There There.

Papa- Tumhari badi dadagiri hai ghar mein haan?
A- Yeh mere BAAP ka ghar hai! Kaun mera kya bigaad lega!?
Papa- :/
A- heheheehhe. *runs inside*

A- (at 2 pm) Dude there is a match today, aaj office ke baad let’s go to Sports Bar.
(at 7 pm) Yaay, my work is done, I am leaving.
Ismail- Huh? What about the Sports Bar plan?
A- Screw that.
Ismail- Yeh tu soye hue sher ko chimti kaatke bhaaga mat kiya kar!!


A- Dude, how was your paper?
Sooraj- It was bad yeah. It was like getting laid without any feelings.

A - So here’s the joke, Commode mein dekha maine behta hua go.. Commode mein dekha maine behta hua goo.. Goo se yaad aaya, yaar kaisi hai tu?
Haan? Haaan? Funny right!
Neha- :/
Kushi- :/
A- Laugh bitches LAUGH!
Neha- :/
Kushi - Fuck off.
A- :(

Ismail - So there, that’s my plan. Now what do you have to say about it Miss ‘I have an opinion on everything’?
A - I am not clear if that’s a good thing when you say it like that.
Ismail - Oh alright, oh alright, let me put it this way, what do you have to say about it you painfully high opinionated bitch?
A - Hmm. Thanks for clearing that up yeah. But Nice try. Gaah! So I think.. :D

Nimish - Pata hai jab hum dono ki shaadi ho jayegi toh ek din we’ll run into each other and I’ll ask you, yeh Navratna tel kiske liye hain? And you will reply, for my husband, he has suddenly gone bald after our marriage.
A - Hmm.. Aur main bolungi, chuck that yeah, tu bata, bhabhi kaisi hain? And you will reply, She is in Coma.
Both- :/
*rofl*

Kushi- Dude, I saw this TV sky ad today. Lol Lol. It was dubbed in Hindi. It goes like this.
“Hi! Mera naam hai Randy”
Nimish, Sneha, Me - *Paaahahahahahahahahahahhahaha*

A - I got a new system!! 21” screen, 500 GB internal memory, 4GB Ram, core to duo processor, Graphic card, wireless mouse and keyboard. Yaay!
Siddharth - Great. Ab nariyal phod uspe.

*phone rings*
A- Hello?
D**** - Hey, D**** here, Ismail said you wanted me to call you..
(Now, FYI, this fellow, I am just going to call him D, is Ismail’s friend and he is an ASSHOLE. Male chauvinist pig, passes comments on girls, and all that he can talk about is money. In short, perfect e.g. of a guy that I LOATHE. Like if someone asks me, what category of guys make you want to throw up?, I will say the D category.)
- Next day-
Ismail - Hey.. You got a hard board?
A- Yeah, that’s for you, save your face! You are about to feel some pain!
Ismail - What, why?
A - So D called, said you told him I wanted him to call me, also, that I couldn’t STOP talking about him and his BODY after we met. He asked me if I maybe wanted to go out with him sometime.
Ismail - *rofl* I was really bored. :D
*multiple punches*
A- You-son-of-a-!

A- Yo! Got to hear this at work today, inside news, Ranbir and Deepika broke up.
Kushi- Yeah, I knew about it.
A- Huh? You did?!
Kushi - Yeah, I met Ranbir yesterday, he was telling me, I can’t do without you Kushi, I am madly in love with you..I can leave the world for you.. Yeh ladka bhi na. Tch”.
A- :/
Kushi- :D

Anurag - I wrote a short story, you want to hear?
A - No.
Anurag- It’s called, ‘If pigs could fly’
A- Wait What! *rofl*

A - Papa, I have to go out, thode paise do na.
Papa - Yeh lo paanch rupaye, jaao aish karo.
A - :/
Papa - :D
A - :/
Papa - :D
A -:/
Papa - Oh alright! How much do you need?

A - You know what, I am not gonna speak with you now.
Ismail - Haha, Yes!
(after five minues)
Ismail - Okay, enough already. Talk now.
….
I will let you punch me and I won’t punch you back.
…..
I will do your work..
…..
(long breath) I will listen to your jokes, and Laugh.
A - Yeah, so I was saying.. :D

A- I will ride this Damn bike today come what may!!!
Rohan - Please god, please get me out of this alive.

A- Sunny, I am a girl! Give me some credit!
Sunny- No you are not! You are just the gayest guy ever!

Ismail - So you think she likes me?
A - Dude, yeah! She was all Over you! She was like the moss and you were the stone!
Ismail - You are sick. BTW, I know she likes me, I wanted you to see how she gets all over me. Hehehe.
A - It’s funny when you call ME sick.

More to come, as I remember them.

The Hip-Hop Culture

Now one thing that is really common on the roads of Mumbai these days is the existence of petite ( or absolutely obese - its always an extreme) little boys wearing jeans so low that every time I come across one I have an urge to step my foot down on the damn pair and embarrass the guy who's probably wearing an under pant with the U.S.A flag on it, layers of loose t-shirts which is probably bought from the ALL-SIZE store, weird hand gestures which nobody cares to understand, annoying blings, weird caps and flashy shoes which can make the rainbow sob with inferiority. All hail for the 'NIGGERS' [more commonly known as NIGGAS or wiggers (white niggers)] take a bow, take a bow.

You will find them driving cars with ears popping music systems (which is probably their mother's car), looking like absolute retards with their front seats pushed back and playing 'music' which is just NOISE ( my friend Varun Bobhate will vouch for me here) lacking rhythm and probably all that makes sense, having flashy lights under their cars and blings all over them.

The question is, why do these people who come from well mannered, respectable, and probably conservative families decide to dress and behave to kill. And they are rather proud of their abstinence from decent dressing and vocabulary. And there is no answer to their strange and extremely illogical behaviour to this date. Tch.

And mother of all that is evil what is with this show called 'Yo mamma'. For all those who haven't seen it, it airs on VH1 a channel that I so liked and is about affronting the mothers of the participants. It is fun to watch for the first 20 seconds after which it gets plain ugly. And some of the 'mommas' have the courage to support their kids while they are AT IT, standing next to them and smiling as they blissfully blow their image so much that a little part in them dies every time a comment comes up. I mean, take a look around you morons. Look at them. There is a holocaust going on inside your mother right now, this very moment.


What I cannot seem to understand is the raging popularity of the show. Now, I do not say you are a moron if you like them. But personally I dislike it more so because I see no sense in it.

I mean 'yo mama so stupid she sat on the TV and watched the sofa' or, 'yo mama so ugly she went to cook and the rice went no! no!'. SERIOUSLY? YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!

Mothers from all over the world unite to fight against it. No, seriously.

And the guys (NIGGERS) who picture themselves standing next to hot dusky babes with their trash talking, try talking to me like that once. It will probably be the last thing you say.

Them Idiots!

Guys are stupid. They are nice, but stupid!

Anyway my friend just had a horrible fight with her guy for an absurd reason. I think her guy is just too stupid to function.

And I will not want to take any names here, yet here are a few little something all you guys reading this article should understand (more so because you will probably have to live with it), also this is mainly in context with my friend, me and the other girls who might be similar to us. I am not generalising it.

1. We do not mind you playing games as long as you don't call us out for a walk so that YOU can play on OUR cellphones.

2. Most of the girls can express their love but some just cannot. My friend and I fall under this category. So just because we don't say we love you that often, it doesn't mean we really don't. You mean a lot and don't expect us to say it over and over again. (ARE YOU LISTENING?!)

3. When we do something to look good and you see the difference, COMPLIMENT. It makes the effort worth it. :)

4. Next time you get an urge to say something stupid which can lead to an argument, DON'T.

5. You can check out other girls as much as you want. Now here's the tricky part, if we do not say anything to you its not because we don't care, its because we trust you so don't get pissed. And if we DO say something, its not because we doubt your intentions but its because we think YOU will like it.

6. We are not the sweet girly type and we are well aware of it. But remember that you liked us because we were a little crazy and freaky, remember that every time you think we are too disgraceful for a girl. (now this one applies quite a lot for me, I love to punch, chase stray dogs who bark at my car and dump the clutch around them, I love locating constellations, finding the entire Zodiac belt is what I am vying for, so count on me for not being romantic on a starry night and yes, I like to ride bikes even if I have fallen like a zillion times. LIVE WITH IT. PLEASE.)

7. When we say we are fine, we are not. that IS true. NOW, at this point I have come across some misleading mails that say 'When she says she's fine, she's not, talk to her". DON'T do that. Leave us alone and we will get back to being our crazy selves.

8. At most times we are not interested in the movies you like and the games you play, so when you are talking about it and we are looking around, and you GET that we are bored, don't avoid our gestures. Please stop. Us asking you to stop can again lead to an argument. And we will have the last laugh, most of the times.

9. Throwing mindless spastic scenes of jealousy are attempts of stabbing yourself.

10. We don't care how rich you are, as long as you are funny, well mannered, chew with your mouth closed and do not fart in public. Glam watches are not cool, they are Lame, it's only for the time, what's the fuss all about? Do not wear sunglasses in a mall in the evening even if they are from Prada.


That's it for now I guess.I'll add more as they come across. Which, they will.

Them Idiots #2!

Here is what men look for in their lady-love:
1. Should have a sexy body
1. Should have a warm smile
1. Should not ask questions
1. Should not demand too much
1. Should have Just the right amount of make up on
1. Should not even as much as Look at other men
1. Must be well spoken
1. Should be able to talk about almost everything
1. Should be hotter than their friends' girlfriends
1. Must cook like their mother
1. Should be open minded, and when the lady does get open minded, *OMG! My girl is a slut!*
1. Should dress well, almost always.
1. Should Not put on weight.

Here's what women want in their Love.
1. Chew with your mouth shut and don't fart in public.

Now here's the irony.
Men:
1. Tend to gain weight all the time, given that they eat like a cow.
1. Warm smile, sure, just without stuff in your mouth.
1. Wants to know where their girl is, almost all the time! The one's that say they don't are pathetic liars.
1. Don't even care to shave at most times. So much for the right make-up.
1. Will stare and even flirt with every second woman that crosses their path.
1. "You want a hottie huh? SLUT!"
1. Can Only talk about sports and money, at times, Not even that.
1. Would have Never in their lives helped their mothers cook, or have done Any chore for that matter.
1. Are hypocrites, they say, tell us what you want, and when you do speak out, my god, look at you! You demanding bitch!
1. 'We can't think emotionally', whatever happens to That when they over think and get jealous on almost everything.
1. Believe that when they talk share markets, women don't understand. They don't realise:
a. We probably know more than you. But we listen.
b. We don't want to rip you off your manhood.

And they still won't chew with their mouths closed and fart in public, because they are men! And that's the way the cookie crumbles for them. Take it or leave it.

When they say they want space, it's because we do not let them live in solitude. It's our fault.
When we say we want space, they get drunk and make out with other women. "You said you wanted space! It's all your fault"

And THEN, they will talk about how woman are confusing, and how woman are demanding.
Here's the deal big boys, We are not confused, You are weird. We just try to catch up and deal with it.

P.S. All the points are marked '1.' on purpose.

Shaadi in Dilli. :D

I have just stepped into my house. Well for those who didn't know (all) I was in Delhi for the past couple of days, for a wedding. I never thought I'd say this for anything remotely close to Delhi, but the wedding was Awesome! It was way more fun than I had imagined it to be. And although I was initially reluctant to go for it (my bestie's birthday was on the same day as the wedding- 9th February, she hates me now), I am glad I did not ditch it last minute!
It was COLD, (" What!!! It's not cold at all!" As someone from Delhi would think, but I am from Mumbai, and anything beneath the normal temperature where you need a jacket is cold for us)
And it was Awesome.

I had to wear a Backless blouse (My sister had warned me against making any alterations to it, no matter how tiny they were). I told her, "Dude, it's cold, and it's Delhi, I don't want people staring lamely". To which she said, "Dude, you are in a wedding, in Delhi, you might as well be the most dressed person in there."

She was right.

My Jiju is from Germany, so he had a lot of German friends. Now, THEY were hilarious! No, they did not have a good sense of humour, they were enough to cause a laugh riot by themselves. If it was a stand up comedy act, all they had to do was to go up there and stand, and they'd take the prize with them. Although they were sweet, and completely awe-struck by each and every ritual (they took pictures of everything, and when I say Everything you believe me!), they had put together, in every bit of sense, a complete 'What-were-you-thinking?' ensemble.
Picture this - German woman, weird looking lehenga , a Jacket and boots. That's damn right. And given that it rained that day, there was mud all over her black boots making her look like a Brinjal rolled in mud. The guys were decently dressed on Sherwanis (and Boots, to kill the mood) yet, nothing stood out as much as the woman wearing a lehenga, jacket, boots, weird bangles, who walked around lifting her lehenga higher than the knees, all the while. Now, you know what I meant when I said, hilarious.

Anyway, everyone from the guy's side was very nice! And I loved the father of the groom! He was sweetest, fun loving old man, I have met off late, and he got totally gambolled in my name! It took him a long long while to remember Avanika, so he just settled with Chinu! (Yes, that's my ridiculously humiliating nick name. Thank the fact that my hindi rashi is Pisces. Although, you all must know, I am a TRUE Virgo.)

Anyway.

But the Best part of the wedding has to be the 'joote churai' rasm.
Now, right before the feras, the younger brother of the Groom, came over to me and in every bit, Challenged me.
Here's how the conversation went:
Ankur- I am assuming you will be stealing the shoes then.
Me (With the most confident look on my face)- Absolutely.
Ankur- Confident? Or over confident?
Me- Confident.
Ankur- Well, good luck then.
Me- Oh, you need it more than I do.

And obviously, the moment he turned around and walked away, first thing I did was turn to my cousin and say, "Oh crap! Now if we don't find the shoes, it's gonna be so fucking humiliating! :D

At the time of the feras, I think everybody was more interested in the shoes than in the feras. When I finally got hold of the shoes (that were hidden beneath a stack of mattresses and blankets, with a kid sitting on top of it all), the father of the groom(the cute fun loving old man!) yelled, "Arrey! She has got the shoes!! Catch her!!" to the amazement of the pandit, the bride and his Son.
Rofl.
Next thing I knew, I had a parade of groom's bothers running behind me for the shoes. They couldn't catch up with me. Of course. *flicks collar up*
I threw one of the shoes in the direction of the other salis and there's a stampede. Four girls snatching it away like a piece of meat that is thrown right in the centre of four hungry lionesses. (the german guys taking a million pictures of the same, NOT very graceful, it was)I ran with the other in the opposite direction. Wore it, and sat snuggled up in a stack of blankets in a way that nobody could as much as touch me after that.
And then came the 'taking the reward' part where Ankit (groom) almost ritually began with a hundred bucks (some of us went rofl outright while some in the head) and ended up paying a BOMB.
Let's just say, we came back home Rich. Muhahahaha.
:D

Now, obviously, even if we hadn't managed to find the shoes, we would have got back home rich. Pretty girls in saree with a sad face won't melt everyone's heart- You think!! :D

Of course, the groom's brother was taken aback. I smiled at him smugly and all that he could manage to say was "Good confidence".
To which I replied, "Thank you. Hmph" and walked away.
:D
The bitch that I am.

And then, the usual worst part- Bidai. I am not taking about that.

All in all a great wedding! I am missing Kaushik uncle (groom's father) already! I wish I would have been a little nicer to Ankur(Groom's borther).Mini and Ankit (bride and groom) make one hell of a pair and I got to meet my sister! Yaay!

P.S. I was hoping a bitch-fight breaks out, but it didn't. Next wedding maybe.

I woke up to the craziest dream with a cramped leg.
Mental note- Watching So you think you can dance and Final Destination simultaneously before going off to bed is NOT a very good idea.

Excerpts from my dream –

I am walking in a mall with three bags in my hand. Yes, Neha came over to my place last evening with bags of clothes to announce there is a kick-ass sale in Oberoi. Since I have some shopping left to do for an upcoming wedding, I planned of checking it out myself Today. Apparently, my sub conscious mind likes to delve into stuff like shopping et al, with the slightest bit of provocation.
So anyway, I am walking in the mall with bags full, and that is when I meet this old friend from 5th standard. Now the last time I saw this friend of mine was the day the results for 5th were announced. After that he sort of just fucked off to Jaipur. We are in touch though. And he was right there, of ALL the people.

Him- ‘Dude what the hell are you still doing here? Everyone is waiting for you!’
Me- ‘I know, there was such a rat race in that store, it was the last day of the sale today, everybody had lost their marbles (?). Let me just get my Jeep (??) and then we can leave right ahead.’

We get out of Oberoi mall only to find ourselves in the parking lot of Inorbit mall. I should have known it there; I should have just opened my eyes. But anyway... I press the unlock button on my car keys and my jeep comes tearing through the parking lot, all by itself. And no, I did not even watch Herbie Fully Loaded yesterday!

Then we get on to the road and suddenly there are people flagging us off. (???). We drive in a very Quantum of Solace style and next thing we know, we are heading towards a crash landing. We jump out of the car and the car goes in the AIR. And then there was this crazy chick running on the road screaming, ‘OH MY GOSH! OH MY GOSH! We cheated death, we are all going to die in weird manners!! Huh.

We catch a rickshaw (Never mind the fact that we had just scraped through something that could have had us killed) and head to our destination. The rickshawala is playing this Bhojpuri song called – ‘Labalab lollypop lage re’ which Neha played all the time for a week when she got back from Bihar, mid last year. (????)

So I ask him to stop the song and he denies, I punch him and he starts to cry. Next thing we know, I am driving the rickshaw while my friend is trying to comfort the rickshawala on the backseat. (?????!!)

We get down to the backstage of an event and run towards it, I, towards the stage and my friend towards the audience. I get up on the stage only to face a huge audience, Nigel Lythgoe and Mary Murphy. (Judges of So you think you can dance)

And just as the music starts to play, I scream, ‘Oh crap!!! I have got a cramp in my leg!’

And that’s when I wake up, and yes, with a cramped leg.


Crazy son of a bitch of dreams.
:/

Like, why!

Of three things I am absolutely unsure. I try, but I fail to understand.

A. Why does anybody have to lie? And specially to the people close to you? Aren't they supposed to be the ones whom you can be completely honest with. You lie, either because you live truly pathetic lives or because you don't have the courage to take responsibility of your actions.
In any case, you need to get some balls.

B. Why do people act smart with the ones that put them in high respect. I have never seen anyone getting lame with ones they know, don't care about them. Then why on Earth would you act smart with the blokes who care about you. It's very annoying, really.
Set your priorities straight.

C. Why do people live their lives as per the actions of others? Seriously, what's the point in sulking about something that did not work out. Get up, get going. Having a crush is cool, with the whole, blood running into your cheeks, friends jumping around, getting dressed, blah blah. That's the fun part right? That seems cool. But I just cannot understand the crying in dark corners behind a love forgone, getting all depressed and going emo. Dude and Dudettes, like WHAT! Does it mean that your life is so hollow that the presence or absence of an external factor will determine the way you live it?
If things don't work out, let go. People make a big deal about it. I don't see what's the fuss all about. Shouldn't you be the one deciding how to spend your life?
Get strong, get a hold on yourself. Get a life.

I am.

I like to play around in the rain like no ones watching,
But that does not mean that I am stupid.

I like to believe that I can trust my friends,
But that does not mean that I am naive.

I like to meet new people and have a complete fun day out with them,
But that does not mean that I am slutty.

I like to let go easily when I see something as redundant,
But that does not mean that I am heartless.

I like to keep my secrets to myself,
But that does not mean that I am self absorbed.

I like to be opinionated over things that matter,
But that does not mean that I am a bitch.

I like to end a discussion with a 'screw it, cut it out',
But that does not mean that I am a pushover.

I like to wish things go well with me,
But that does not mean that I am selfish.

I like to believe that there are more impotant things than love in the world,
But that does not mean that I am pragmatic.

I might not be the most romantic person on the planet,
But that does not mean that I am cold-hearted.

I like to Not give a shit to what people who don't matter have to say,
But that does not mean that I am a narcissistic.

I like to belive that inspite of the world falling apart, I will still get through,
you think I must be crazy, I'd say I agree.

But then, will you survive, if you are not a little crazy?

Got this in the mail today. Makes up for one hell of a reading.

5 Minute Management Course:

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift..
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not..'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy..'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut.

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE