Adjusting to expectations?

I see how people try to change for their loved ones. I respect the conscious effort they put into changing something that is inherent to them. I respect their love.

But all said and done, I don't think it's fair. I don't think needing to adjust to someone else's expectation of you is fair. Because you give away the most important thing in the world.

Being you.

There are so many people you meet, so many people you get close to, if you choose to adjust yourself according to most people you have met (or even just one person, doesn't really matter), answer me this, what's left of you, in you?

Don't change. Improvise. Evolve. Not because you want to fit into a bracket of someone else's expectations, but because you genuinely feel it's about time you worked on yourself.

I am not perfect, but neither are you. It's really just an entire universe filled with imperfect people. The only thing that differs is the level of imperfection.

Find someone that respects your imperfection.


"I know I am screwed up.. But you're pretty messed up too."
"Yeah, who am I kidding, we're both doomed.."

"Please", he said. "Please tell me you feel something".
She kept quiet.
"Please. Please. I am almost begging now".
She kept looking at the street behind him.
"Please tell me you feel. Something. Anything. Please open your heart to me."
And she kept thinking. Thinking of what would happen if she does open her heart to him. What if things don't work out. What if she loses him for worse. Is she willing to be so close to someone emotionally? So vulnerable to a person?

He kept staring at her. She kept staring at a clothes stall on the street behind his eyes.

"I can't read your mind. And I am exhausted. I am giving you 5 seconds to say something".

She looked at him. For the first time. Looked him in the eye. His impatient, tired, sad eyes. And she still kept thinking.

And he was gone
He left the country. He found someone else. Settled down. He's happy.

She's happy he's happy.
And she knows her over-thinking killed her a little inside that day.
He will never know what she felt. She is afraid she will never be able to feel the same again.
She has moved on. She laughs. She goes out. She has fun. She cries. She misses him.

You.

You are drenched in the first rain of winters, unprepared. You walk back to your house, wet, in search of that familiar ardor. You are looking for the warmth to save you from the chilling cold. You open the closet and pull out that crisp white shirt still smelling of your essence. The fabric eases your goosebumps on the skin and calms the chill that had set in the heart. This is what talking to you feels like.

You are running to catch a flight. You know you are stuck at the wrong signal at the wrong time. Everything seems to be going wrong. You are so sure you will miss that flight. You are so troubled that you could cry. You reach the airport and hit the check-in counter only to realize that the flight is running an hour late. You finally breathe and smile. This is what meeting you feels like.

You go back to the school and stand in the sports ground. You remember running that hundred-meter dash when you were so sure you’d lose. You remember missing the ‘Go’ signal and starting late. You remember watching everyone ahead of you. And you ran so fast that you feared your heart will explode in your chest. Eyes closed, all you remember is the thump of that beat. You remember collapsing on the finishing line and tasting mud and hugging the ground. You remember hearing that applause because you’d won. You raise your head in disbelief and open eyes wide in amazement of it all. You remember that taste of tears on your tongue. This is what dreaming about you feels like.

You take a long walk next to the beach and find a homeless dog. His eyes tell you that he is lost. You are tempted to adopt him but the right thing to do is to find his owner. You look around but the place seems secluded at the twilight hour. You take him home, give him food, and give him a name. You post his picture on Facebook, twitter but secretly hope that no one comes to claim him. You fall in love with that shiny-eyed canine just to get that dreaded call from his owner. The dog runs to his owner and turns back to give you that last look of “ I- love –you- but- I- can’t- stay- with- you”. Your heart melts but you let go with a smile. This is what staying away from you feels like.

Mostly conversations will oscillate between stories that are fragmented and stories that have no endings. You love the feeling of falling so much that you don’t mind falling into that bottomless pit. This is what being friends with you feels like.
And in middle of infinite conversations and interruptions, somehow, somewhere, you keep remembering that warmth of the shirt in the rain and feeling of running and joy of hope, the taste of tears and the shiny- eyes of a dog that never stayed with you. You remember all the realities and the parallel universes where you built stories. These stories stay as memories do. This is what missing you really feels like.

P.S. I did not write this. I am only sharing it because it's wonderful.

How to Not do well in a Job Interview.

1. Make a self-deprecating joke and laugh at it for about 5 minutes. Stop laughing and look sad.

2. Yawn when the interviewer talks about the company and look at him with a straight face.

3. Say that your weakness is ‘Working too hard..’. And then let out a small giggle.

4.  If the interviewer starts talking about himself, look up and start following the wings of the fan.

5. Keep a smile. ALL THROUGH THE INTERVIEW. When the interviewer gets confused and asks you why you are smiling, answer with a smile.

6. In case of a simulation exercise, start humming the tune of Zee Horror Show with wide eyes when the interviewer is narrating a critical problem scenario.

7. Keep looking at the watch and say, “Oh, don’t mind me, I might get my uncle’s inheritance anytime now!”.  Look vibrant with joy when you say that.

8. Scratch yourself.

9. Take out your hairbrush and brush your hair, while the interview is on.

10. Set your phone’s ringtone to ‘Die Motherf****r Die’. Keep it on Normal Mode.

11. Ask the interviewer for a ride back home after the interview is done.

12. Wear a sleeveless shirt and shiny leather pants. Arrive like a boss.

13. Bring your mother along.

14. Stalk the HR for two days after the interview.

15. Burp loudly and say, “Sorry, Beer”. Giggle like a small girl.

16. Wear Sunglasses. Snore every now and then.

17. Ask to use a bathroom. Come back after 15 minutes and say, “Sorry, Indian Food, I tell you!”.

18. Bring a photo album along. When asked about yourself, start sharing pictures of friends and family.

SO there we were, driving around in Bandra at 2 a.m when we saw this. 

-LOL- 

The writings on a clearly whitewashed fence of what looked like a posh building. This is why I love the drunken stupors in Mumbai. 

I NEED to know who did this, just so that I can applaud!

If any of you have a clue who it was, do tell!

Labels.

.

There is nothing worse than labelling a person. The problem with labels is that they put people in a bracket of assumptions, in a shell that they can't get out of. Labels are an outcome of ignorance. When something is beyond your understanding, how much easier is it to simply label the person than to find out why that person acts in a certain manner. It is the easy way out. And that is exactly why I dislike it. Once you label a person, nobody cares about the evidence of its validity. When you label a person, you scuff away any opportunity for them to rise above the expectation. If a woman is disgusted by a 'Woman in the kitchen' joke, she's a feminist; if a straight lady has gay friends, she's a fag-hag; if a person does not involve in outrageous acts, he's a loser; if a girl does not kiss on her 3rd date, she's a prude, if she dates a lot of men, she's a slut; if a man does not make a move on the first date, he's a coward.

How can we describe a person in just one word? People are complex, multifaceted. When you label a jar, you are preventing yourself from seeing a part of its contents. Likewise, when you label a person, you are only trying to find a way to not see the side of the person that contradicts your preconceived opinion. Because that takes you out of your comfort zone. It's a way to 'describe' a person in the manner that suits you best. How is that fair? 

Why assume there's only so much to a person? Why not take a chance and find out more? Why not remember, that everyone has the right to be exactly who they are?

Assume nothing. Labels are for objects, not people. 

Tumblr.

I joined.

http://whimsicalness.tumblr.com/

There.

Okay? Bye! 

Iron and Wine.

How the hell did I not find out about this band all this time?

HOW?

Best music I have heard in a while. A *very* long while. 

Here, I am attaching the links to a few songs so that you can hear 'em too. You won't regret it. 

Boy with a coin

Free until they cut me down

Flightless Bird

Fever Dream

I thank lord for this man's being.

Lost and found.

You know the saying, you don't really realise the value of something until you've completely lost it.

It is true alright.


I have always been the kind of person that does not sulk too much over losing things/people. One of my very close friend once told me that he is not sure how he feels about who I am.  He is confused whether he should be really happy about the fact that nothing bothers me so much, or just really worried about the fact that nothing bothers me so much. It bothers him that I can laugh and talk endlessly to people like nothing's wrong right after a big fight.

I think he will be very happy when he reads this post. If, he reads this post at all.

I have this sinking feeling in my heart like I have lost something. I can't really put a finger on it, but I know it's there. I feel happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I actually feel something so strongly, and sad because it takes for me to lose something to have a feeling this strong in the first place.

I have a blank expression and a smile on my face, simultaneously. I feel strong, I feel suddenly weak. I laugh, I don't want to laugh anymore. I talk, I want to be left alone. I want a distraction, I want to be consumed by the thought.

I feel.. confused. And I'd like to believe that is good.

I am finally open to the possibility that there are things/people that matter to me. I may not care about it so much, because my intrinsic self is fighting it so strongly, but at the same time, I know I feel the loss. I feel the pain of losing. And more than anything, I am allowing myself to sulk over it without going "Man, this is bloody stupid!" in my head.

I think I am finally entering a new stage in my life. I am having an evolution, for the lack of a better word.
That being said, I am obviously going to laugh out loud and talk endlessly like nothing's wrong. I am just having an evolution, it's not like someone blew a new soul into me.
:)

I lost. I found.